Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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