Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
