No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
