This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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