mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
