Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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