I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
