Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
