Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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