I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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