Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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