We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I love how my cats smell like pot.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
