You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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