fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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