u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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