I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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