If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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