So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
