Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
