she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
