Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
