just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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