I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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