my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
