i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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