my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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