i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
