As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
