ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
