Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
