bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
