I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
