we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
