Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
