You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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