So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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