i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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