I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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