I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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