I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
