Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
