Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
