I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
