Your dad touched me again.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
