just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
