HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
