Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
