hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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