Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
