If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
