he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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