im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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